If you’ve spent any time in online wellness and mental health spaces, you've likely heard the phrase, “You don’t owe anyone anything".
This claim is usually accompanied with a long list of social graces individuals are exempted from; you don’t owe anyone an explanation, respect or closure. You don’t have to justify your boundaries or employ effort to maintain your relationships. People are not entitled to your time.
The advice usually takes a gentle, therapizing tone; you need to prioritize you. When you cater to other people, you jeopardize your own happiness and fail to protect your peace. The only person you owe something is yourself.
In our current digital age, where you can cancel plans with the tap of a button, this is an easy mindset to adopt. It’s also a lazy one.
When you don’t owe anyone anything, life is simpler. You don’t have to attend your classmate’s theatre performance or have a difficult conservation with your partner. Those dreaded, obligatory favors we do for each other with a forced smile fade away. No more driving a friend to the airport through that awful Charlotte traffic or covering your coworkers 7 a.m. shift.
But the truth is, we do owe each other things. We need empathy, service and presence more than ever today. When you make a mistake, you owe the person you hurt an apology--- even if it's stilted and awkward. You owe the barista at your favorite coffee shop a smile in the morning and you ought to show up to your best friend’s softball game once in a while.
These gestures aren’t about the individual action, but the message you send: I know this is important to you and I’m here because I care about you. As someone who has attended many events I’m not interested in for the sake of my loved ones, I can tell you it does matter. People notice when you show up.
The amount of NBA games I’ve watched because of my brothers’ interest in the outcome is staggering. I’ve proofread essays that don’t intrigue me and had long, winding conversations with my little cousins about "K-Pop Demon Hunters". I once Facetimed a friend three hours away to hear his research presentation on how virus proteins bond to blood cells. I’m a journalism student who doesn’t know the first thing about pathology, but I listened because I want him to succeed.
I’ve also been on the receiving end of such kindnesses. My sweet, enduring, 61-year-old father has attended every concert I’ve ever asked him to go to. Occasionally, we saw artists we both loved, like Slaughter Beach, Dog and Noah Kahan. But more often than not, I dragged my dad to new-wave punk and alternative concerts across North Carolina. He drove me to three Front Bottoms concerts; in a crowd of edgy, black-clad teenagers screaming along to Twin Size Mattress, my dad’s grey hair and bright polo shirt were ever-present.
It’s not that there is never a place for this detached attitude. You don’t need to have an engaging conversation with the strange man at the bus station, or constantly sacrifice your own interests for the sake of others. However, as a culture we have lost the practice of showing up even when you’re tired. Even when you don’t feel like it, or you’d rather be doing something else.
I’d like to suggest a new phrase to replace “you don’t owe anyone anything.” It’s another one you may have heard before: "the price of community is inconvenience". In order to have a supportive and warm community, we must occasionally inconvenience ourselves for the sake of others.
Take an extra ten minutes to shovel your neighbor’s sidewalk in the winter months. Attend your little sister’s piano recital that you’d rather not go to. Ask your professor how their weekend went. Compliment your classmate’s outfit.
I won’t say it’s always easy, but I can promise you one thing: people notice.